Stop Sign

In a couple days I'll be moving out and moving on. I keep wondering if maybe these people are more than just encountered at a stop sign in my life. But I'm beginning to think that isn't so. Part of me is thinking too bad, the other part is thinking too bad for them. I'm excited about what's next but I'm also wondering if things are going to get better. I don't really know how to explain the feeling I have right now. I'm happier than I was 2 years ago, but I'm far from content. Even now, the words aren't really coming out, I don't like to force it and because my thoughts are so heavy I'll fill with lighthearted poems.

I wish I could be the slutty girl, I wish I could be the whore
I wish I could be that 'someone else' who's always up for more
I wish I could be that kinda gal, I wish I could be so easy
I wish I could be 'miss spreads-her-legs' who's just this side of sleazy
I wish I could be unbuttoned pants, I wish I could be a sex promise
I wish I could be 'miss on-her-knees' who seals with more'n kisses
I wish I could be free-love slut, I wish I could be as such
I wish I could be multi-lovered who has seen and done too much.

I wish I could be the chaste girl, I wish I could be so pure
I wish I could be that 'someone special' who thinks love is a cure
I wish I could be that kinda gal, I wish I could be so straight
I wish I could be 'miss waits-til-marriage' who's saving for her mate
I wish I could be right and good, I wish I could be worth waiting for
I wish I could be 'miss lock-and-key' who's not a notch or score
I wish I could be demanding more, I wish I could make them wait
I wish I could be more worthwhile who's around more than one date.

I have this obsession
a female erection
for things of power like
money, sex, passion
I have this thing
just this short of fling
for 'crazy' thoughts like
alternate beings
I have this fascination
senza trepidation
for things of travel
but more than vacation
I have an inner drive
deep down inside
for something beyond me
that I cannot hide
I have this need
let's call it a creed
for someone different who
my soul does feed.

The What-if Game

Every now and then I like to sit back and evaluate. It's good fun. I even play the what-if game. Today, for example, was one of those days. It went a bit like this:

What if I hadn't wasted time and money at college? What if I started traveling and being true to my inner drive earlier? What if I was on my 3rd or 4th year abroad instead of my 2nd? What if I was more active and had a constant source of income and a place to stay for longer than a month at a time? What if I hadn't had a meltdown at school and was able to finish? What if I never realized how important being about is to me?

Well, I wouldn't have met some amazing people, I probably wouldn't have been in France last year, which means I probably wouldn't have met even more wonderful people and ma petite, I wouldn't have met the roomies, NMT, and wouldn't have had this purely Italian experience this month, I would probably be working and well on the way to hating myself and having a meltdown of a different sort, I would be extremely unhappy no matter what without truly knowing why.

So there you have it, everything is going the way I choose because I'm choosing to be the person I choose to be. To take from a book that I throughly enjoy (yes, I broke down and bought more, I know I don't really have the money for it, but I NEED books!) 'Whatever you think, think the opposite' by Paul Arden--it's worth a read if you're interested--
"When you look back there will be things you will regret. You made the wrong decision. Wrong. You made the right decision. Life is about decisions.
1.Am I going to have the practical car or the fast car?
2. Shall I go to college or get a job?
3. Will I have wine, beer or water?
Whatever decision you make is the only one you could make. Otherwise you would make a different one. Everything we do we choose. So what is there to regret? You are the person you chose to be."
and
"It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't."

You know how I feel about regret, but I still agree.

Funny story: Ari (the one who's preggers) brought a bowl of condoms for everyone today. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Italian dogs eat pasta

Haha, it's true! Normally for dinner the girls will mix wet dog food with whatever leftovers we have, or sometimes even make a batch of pasta just for the puppies! Lunch is simple, dry food mixed with wet food...it's too cute, I love it. I really like living with animals again. They're like children but aren't as demanding. They aren't little leeches that bleed your savings, checkings, and life for 15-30 years before they repeat the process. <~~I'm not ready to have children. I maintain that I'm much too selfish, who knows if I ever will be. Which is weird to some, they say I'm a nurturer...yes, I do enjoy 'mothering' people, but that's when it's a choice and not expected...the second I'm forced to do something the joy often fades (although it didn't with competitive gymnastics).

Caffeine is my drug of choice. It's so good. My personal dream of opening a coffee shop has stuck with me...so maybe that is what I will get started on when I return to the states. While hovering around the topic...where do you think I should go next? I'm having some issues deciding. Part of me wants to stay in Europe and go to maybe Spain or Portugal...another part of me is strongly rooting for S.America. I have a strong inkling that I'm done with Europe. After the Americas I may be heading to the Middle East and/or Asia...but I may be bored by then. Who knows? I don't even know yet. Whatever it is, wherever it is, I'm already excited for it.

This NMT business has crossed over from interesting/frustating to interesting/annoying. Okay, so we're building a bit of a friendship base, much like with the other roomies, he's just as affectionate with the others as he is with me...but the one glaring difference is when I go out without the roomies he waits up for me. Seriously. The most recent of which is Thursday night (I mentioned it in a previous post) well I get home at about 2 am and everyone is asleep except him. We chatted about our day(s), I had tea, then he went to bed. I may be reading too much into this, which has high probability...but he does this for NO ONE else. Damn, I should've paid more attention when my girlfriends were talking about guys and how to tell if they're interested. Oh well. Time will tell.

I seem to have opened a gate...since I started writing poetry I haven't been able to stop...here's another:

The problem with tunnels is seeing the light
and trying to reach it with all of your might
but getting there's harder than it does appear
with things stopping you like setbacks and fear
Tunnels, like life, have a way in and out
but unlike life you CAN turn around
turning around's not a good choice, however
keep turning and turning you're stuck forever
Repeating the same damn things you do
expecting the old, rejecting the new
so instead take a chance on hope and desire
though you're bound to get frustrated and tire
push towards the light at the end of the road
when you get there it'll be worth the load
you can't sit back waiting for it to happen
you must get up, get going, reach out and grab it
just remember this with everything you do:
Every choice that you make is a choice that makes you!

Okay, that last line I got from a friends quote book, but I really like it so I added it to the poem.

A year of darkness
a year without light
a year needing shelter, love, and sheer might
A year of despair
a year without hope
a year wanting something, learning to cope
A time of fear
a time lost before
a time living closer to death needing more
A time of loss
a time kept hidden
a time needing wanting something I didn't
A moment of truth
a moment for me
a moment of light for those that couldn't be.

A couple more poems

I've been in the mood...so I wrote a couple more, here goes

::For love of Music::
It only takes a strum
and then we add a little drum
this music that we make
soothes all life's little aches
the tumescent fluorescent feeling
's a high-flying all-defying healing
all worries choicelessly re-side
pushed un-noiselessly aside
move over, make room, leave space
for Music.

::Blurry::
I don't mind taking off my glasses
from time to time
I don't mind going without contacts
I lose my mind
Thinking life's almost 20/20
trying to find
Why I am me and why it
seems life's unkind
To me and many others are
in quite a bind
Wandering through ourselves
mainly while blind
Searching and hoping for
a worthwhile crime
Personally I prefer a life
through blurry eyes

~Note: It's a bit disjointed, but now read it again, but only the even number lines.~

::Can The World Stop Spinning?::
Can the world please stop spinning?
just for a day or two
so I can get my bearings
then I'll know what to do.

Can life please stop living?
just in a simple sense
so we can right some wrongs
then things won't be so tense.

Can the sun please stop rising?
just for the sun's own sake
so maybe we can learn
how to give and how to take.

Can time please stop ticking?
until I say to start
I need to find out when
and where I lost my heart.

Can the world please stop spinning?
before I topple to the ground
I'm lost tell me I'm begging you
when will I be found?

I'm sick of junior sluts

Maybe I'm a follower of the tough parental love mindset. If you strike fear into the hearts of your child by the time they are five they will listen to 'the voice' and dread anything further...although times may warrant the extra punishment, naturally. I don't truly understand these parents that lose control over their children by the time the kids are 10...my childhood wasn't picture-perfect but the parental strength that I received was much appreciated. Otherwise I'd be past junior slut and on my way to queen of whoresland.

Why are these kids (she looked to be about 12) shopping at sluts-r-us?
Why are these parents saying that there's nothing they can do about how their child acts and dresses?
Why are 15 year olds reading Cosmo and 'practicing' their sex tricks?

Be free, be you, girl power and all that shit but honestly the power is in knowing what you can be and do...giving it up all the time is giving up your power. If this is something you really want by all means, spread 'em, but if you're trying to prove a point my darling I believe you're going about it the wrong way.

And to those parents: grow some balls and be a parent, they aren't supposed to always like you, but if they respect you that's even better.

Somewhere between hippy and hipster

A little word of advice: unless you see the person roll the cigarette don't assume you are smoking tobacco...if you don't care then no worries. It appears that hash is very popular here. Moreso than pot because they say they can't smoke pot and function, they just feel lazy, but hash on the other hand they can smoke and do whatever. And this is exactly why I don't smoke anything unless I know what it is. Well, actually I just don't smoke anymore. I don't have the patience to have an addiction (unless you count my addiction to dance and travel) it seems like so much work. And no offense to those of you who do smoke but when I think about the things I could be spending my money on, like food (actually amazing gellato), shoes, and clothes I can't help wondering why someone would waste their money on something that makes their clothes stink. If clothes are just clothes to you then okay, but if clothes are a little something more then you get where I'm coming from. So there you have it. Nothing so profound as my health (unless you count not wanting to look yellowish) but it's all about the money.
Anyhow, I got off topic. I like the group I'm living with. They are just thisside of the hippy line but I feel so comfortable with them, much more than I did trying to fit into the many many many groups in high school and college. Y'see there's no real way to classify me (or, secondo me, anyone) so it is absolutely amazing to be living with people that could care less about the 'rules' of society...for the most part.

On another note I was browsing cosmopolitan.com and stumbled upon some body language thing that said 'decipher his every move.' Does anyone else want to scream when they see this. Eeeeshk, who the hell wants to be able to know what every move that someone else does means?! Honestly just the thought bores me already, seriously. While it may be nice to know what some things mean if you are really clueless the best part of relationships (I like to think) is discovering the person by being with them! I mean c'mon! You need to put something in, and besides you wouldn't want him to know--or even try to guess--what every. little. thing. you do means, do you?

Let's finish with a little more Shel Silverstein:

Listen to the MUSTN'TS

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS,
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
--Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child
ANYTHING can be.

Caution: Curves Ahead

If I remember correctly there is a certain ratio that is preferable visually to males. I think it's something like .70 (I heard it from a friend and read it on the internet so it must be true!). Which translates into: CURVES! Now I'm going to play this quite loosely and compare the curve of a woman to the curves of life and land...and basically, without going into too much detail, they're all just better with! Naturally there are those oddities (a mon avis) who prefer having their lives planned out from birth to death and actually like living in the desert, but I normally give them sideways glances and eye-rolls.

So, onward to my scurvy-curvy life: I finished my first week of Italian class and it wasn't too bad. I love the set-up--class for 2 hours in the morning, a coffee next door (she draws designs with a toothpick! I attached some photos for your viewing pleasure), then the rest of the day to practice my Italian and hopefully very soon work a bit. It's getting a little tight. I have my follow-up interview tomorrow but even if I get the job it doesn't start until October, I'm not above asking for a little MAD money but y'know money is power and...just and.

And let's finish it up with my weight-loss non-battle. I like my size (for the most part), I like my stature, you know how I feel about the kick-ass curves (and if you don't, they're kick-ass), I just don't like the back pads/overlap. So that's my happy weight cutoff...when I no longer have those pesky little back rolls. Haha, more proof that I can be backwards...most women worry about the belly flab, I'm focused on the back flab...it just isn't pretty, and I have a thing for the back view.

Anyhow, I'd like to close this up with a lil something from Shel Silverstein:

Put Something In

Draw a crazy picture,
Write a nutty poem,
Sing a mumble-jumble son,
Whistle through your comb,
Do a loony-goony dance
'cross the kitchen floor,
Put something silly in the world
That ain't been there before.